Making Peace with the Gap


Last year, in July, I said goodbye to my father. He would pass away about a month after I last saw him.

Earlier in the year, I felt very strongly (and still do) about a new company I’d just formed. This company, The Rockstar Superhero Institute, was created to support my business relationships in a unique, powerful, hands-on, spiritual, loving and effective way. I started the podcast and the networking group.

After a few weeks, I heard a voice. Sure, you can say what you want about that and even roll your eyes (and I still cannot explain how I effectively heard it to this day), but it’s the truth… I don’t even remember where I was, or if I was sleeping. That said, I knew this voice was telling me the truth. The voice said something interesting and powerful: “Your business will not start until your father dies. His death will be the catalyst to a new chapter in your life, business dealings, and effectiveness.” I really believed this and took it as a magical gift that God spoke to me.

Cut to late July…. we’d have a few short meetings to gauge interest in the Institute and all seemed to be going as planned. I set a start date for August 2nd, 2016. We promoted the “launch” meeting and had a nice showing of 35 people. A great start.

That evening, I arrived at home to my wife telling me my mother had called. She was having a hard time and probably just needed some assurance. We all knew Dad was close to passing. I sat down for dinner. As I was finishing, I noticed 2 ears of corn that I’d missed on the stove. I put them on my plate, sat down and began buttering and salting them.

At this moment, my phone rang and I saw that it was my mother. I looked at my wife and said “well, I guess the corn is going to get cold.” I picked up and Mom quietly told me that Dad had just died and she was okay but she needed to go. There was massive pain and relief all balled up into those words. I won’t forget them.

I went outside and walked around on the lawn for about 15 minutes, fighting my feelings and tears until I finally succumbed to my heart and recorded my thoughts into my phone.

Last night, I was lying in bed, my mind on a number of things… specifically, my life over the last year, the immense transitions, the growing influence and successes, the slight setbacks….and it just came crashing down that I made a huge error in judgment.

I made what I call the “believer’s error.” I made the assumption that God gave me this gift of insight and subsequent miracle, yet I failed to follow through with it. On top of that, I compounded my failure by allowing distractions of monumental proportions.

Has anyone seen The Usual Suspects? It’s a 1996 movie, starring Kevin Spacey. In that movie, his character, Verbal Kint, makes a great statement about the Devil. He says that the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist. Well, whether you believe in God or the Devil or not, I am telling you the greatest power the Devil seems to have over me is the power of distraction.

You see…. I’m a guy with a lot of balls in the air, wearing a lot of hats, living on ambition and moxie. I’m sure you’ve met guys like me many times….we probably annoy you, but you recognize our puppy-like qualities, so you put up with us. Here’s the thing: I am 100% for real, all the time. Most people cannot fathom that I, or others like me, could actually be sincere, but indeed we are. We are so sincere, we need to tell you we’re sincere, because we are so over the top, you don’t believe us!

So, cut to the last year. I’ve been slaving away at getting finances in order, building my podcast(s) and company very organically (which means slow) and just accepting that’s how it should be.

It’s not.

I’ve always been a soft hearted guy. To a huge fault. Rarely, do I actually do the hard thing and rarer still do I actually do the thing that matters more than anything: I rarely release people from my life.

I feel like I need to befriend everyone. I’m always filling the hole that sits in my spirit and gut. We all do this in varying ways, but mine has always been by surrounding myself with people. Anyone.

As you could imagine, that hasn’t always worked out in my favor. More often than not, I’ve allowed or even used my busy-ness with others as a distraction for not tackling the tasks I need to complete for myself, my family, my business.

This brings me again to the last year. I heard a voice from God tell me that my father’s death would be a catalyst to the growth of my company and he literally dies on day 1. I make the assumption that it’s all going to be roses and a lot of “I’ve paid my dues, and I deserve this moment to happen” stuff. The problem is I released the very thing to the ether that I wasn’t supposed to. I assumed God would do what I wanted, not what He wanted.

So, here’s the thing….. while I sat around, living the last year, waiting for God to show up, He already had. He had already fulfilled promises to me 2000 years ago. I forgot that part.

What people always say is the Bible is full of stories/tall tales about miracles, but what they always miss is that God does everything through people. With the exception of creation and Jonah, He’s pretty much always done really cool stuff via people.

So, here I am hanging out expecting a miracle to magically make me financially whole again and give me back my 5 rental properties and my 4 cars and all that crap that distracted me from my purpose in the first place.

Instead, He has let me simmer. In that time, I have been visited by some of the most amazing people I could have ever wanted to meet, and in so doing, discovered what my deepest reality was:

I’ve spent a life in transition searching to fill the hole… the gap. I’ve test driven more ideas than anyone I know, successful or not. I’ve lived the lives of 100+ people and I’m barely over 50 years old. I’m a self admitted hypocrite to the highest order. I love Jesus and swear like a sailor that has no idea who Jesus is. I’m a failure and I’m human and I’m special and I am fucking awesome.

My suggestion is to make peace with the gap: that gap that keeps you from being satisfied. It’s never going away. It’s always going to be there, poking and pushing you. You can’t ignore it, but you don’t have to fall prey to it. You just need to learn how to live, learn, and love despite it.

If you want someone to talk to, are struggling to come to terms with something embarrassing in your life, or want to expose your ‘gap’ once and for all, I am here for you.