Recently, I was talking to a lady at a coffee shop. After awhile, I could tell that we had gone past what she felt comfortable sharing with a stranger, even though she had instigated the conversation.
After a bit of discussion, she told me that she believed we were similar in how we process our thoughts. I asked what she meant and she told me about some classes she had taken a number of years back when she was considering being a counselor. In that class, she learned various techniques to discover how each potential client learned. She stated that I process my thoughts by speaking to others…. that talking wasn’t so much about relating to others, but an outlet for myself.
I hadn’t really thought it that way before, but maybe she had a point?
I’ve found that since social media has taken off, whether Facebook or Twitter, I have ‘taken’ to it, meaning I find myself processing my daily experiences here and there. I know it’s not comfortable for many to share anything deeper than the surface of who they are, but I am a person that social media was clearly designed for.
I am the guy that needs to put it out there. I need to say what I’m feeling. I actually don’t require your thoughts, your opinions, or advice. I just need to get it out in the ether… to purge, so I can feel better afterwards. Maybe even wake up feeling refreshed.
That said, if there was ever something I needed to post, it’s the following: I need a do over. So, I’m re-introducing myself to the world.
Hey there…. I’m Rob Jones.
For the first time in my life, I can say out loud…. I can actually admit, that I’m really struggling with depression. I am not suicidal, regardless of the frustrations I feel so strongly, but I do find myself wishing that I weren’t here anymore. Most of it stems from strong feelings of helplessness…mostly in conjunction with what I sense is the pain I am inflicting on my family…my wife and my kids. That same feeling of helplessness is based on years of choices that I have made towards what I had hoped would be for the greater good of our family and others around me.
Here’s the thing, though. I don’t want anyone to help. Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe my pride, or what’s left of it, keeps me from moving forward? I can hear all of you saying yes. (BTW, I mean that in the sense of ‘I don’t want you to fish for me. I just need you to teach me how to fish.’)
As many of you know, I am a Christian. I have openly proclaimed this. I am also not silly enough to assume that God will just magically whisk me to a mansion in the hills with all the money we could want, along with every need met forever. I get it. It doesn’t work that way.
However, I have found one thing that continues to beat me to a pulp: I know better.
When a person spends a lifetime thinking or acting a very specific way, it can be attributed to naivete, ignorance, or childishness. When that same person goes through a number of cathartic experiences, most of which teach huge lessons on life, finance, faith, structure, retirement, family, credit, love, and giving…. well….. it’s easy to get so caught up in the ‘fact’ that you now know so much more that you don’t know where to start. In addition, you can’t go back. You’re no longer a virgin.
When I say “I know better,” I am not insinuating that I know better than you, my reader, or that I live with more dignity or have a better relationship with God, or that I can make more money than you. No. I am saying that I cannot go back.
….and I so wish I could. I miss the Rob that didn’t know so much. The Rob that enjoyed his life and his job and his family and didn’t feel like he had to change the fucking world. I hate the new me. I hate it.